Take Me Where the Ladder Leads
by Sage.Meryllis.Banks
Summary: This is a oneshot/songfic that occurs while Rose is in the hospital after she was shot in Last Sacrifice. Dimitri is heartbroken that Rose is dying when they had just re-established their love. Written in DPOV to "Ladder Song" by Lorde. Chapter two has been posted!
1. Where will the Ladder Go?

**Disclaimer: Vampire Academy is not my property; nor is Ladder Song. They belong to Richelle Mead and Lorde, respectively.**

The hallway outside the operation room was white and cold, smelling of antiseptics and bleach.

Normally, the plain setting would have comforted me. My old room at St. Vladimir's was like this: pale, undecorated walls and cheaply upholstered armchairs the color of washed-out sky. This should have reminded me of the days at the academy with Rose- back then we got to spar everyday and our lives were free of the threat of Strigoi. Our love was just budding then, each day full of surprises and realizations.

The room should have given me a sense of normality.

But, however fond the memories this place evoked were, nothing comforted me now. Not when I didn't know if I would ever see Rose's eyes open and full of amusement. Not when I didn't know if I would ever see her stride towards me again in that loping way of hers, dark tresses bouncing, ready for a training session. I felt like my life was a ladder with no end in sight, no sense of direction... I wasn't sure if I was climbing up or climbing down.

I'd always thought that Rhonda's fortune had come true after the battle of St. Vladimir's- when I was torn away from Roza, from her love and my soul. Was it possible that I was mistaken? _You will lose what you value the most, _the vrajitoare had said. What if that moment was now?

No, it couldn't be now, not when I'd just gotten Rose back and so many people were depending on her.

Abe's rough coughing interrupted my thoughts, and as I looked up, his grief-stricken face was shocking. I'd never seen him wearing anything but a sly expression and a crisp suit. But now his eyes had a haunted look and his suit was dirty as a hysterical Janine sobbed into his chest.

It was good (Good? How could anything be good right now?) to know that at least someone understood a fraction of the grief I felt. But now one could fully comprehend the pain I was experiencing. Only Rose knew of what crimes I had committed, and she- my only bright flame in the dark- was a mere ember now, fading into blackness. If she died, then I would be alone. And how could I go on living without her? She was the only one who saw how I truly was. I could never explain myself to anyone but her.

I let my eyes wander around the room, needing something to do or I might go crazy with grief. Spotting an old, tattered paperback, I nearly smiled at the irony. I'd often told myself to be strong in the face of tragedy, like all the characters of the western novels I had read. It seemed impossible to do that now, when Roza was slowly bleeding out from a hole in her chest.

Would the minutes go by any slower? She had been in surgery for three hours now, and still there had only been the news that in the near-impossible chance that Rose had survived the night, then she would be able to recover. But it seemed as if we had been here an eternity; the moments dragged by like an unwilling child.

I wished I could drown myself in alcohol like Adrian did, or perhaps lose myself in the action and plot of a simple book. I yearned to drift out of this misery, only for a moment. To push the image of Death's hand reaching for her out of my mind... to get away from it all... but I couldn't.

For some inexplicable reason, I was reminded of my early childhood, when Viktoria was still a baby. My father still visited regularly then, and every time he did, we would hear the crashes as my father pushed my mother onto the floor, the cries of my mother pleading for him to stop... When I was young, I felt powerless to do anything to stop the suffering of my mother.

And then, I realized how parallel the two situations were. Just like my mother, I couldn't do anything to make Roza alright again. My guardian nature pushed me to jump into action, to defend those that needed defending, but how could I fight against Death?

If only I had been able to move faster and shield both Rose and Vasilisa from the whizzing bullet, then I would be spared this pain. I would have died knowing that I saved the lives of both the woman I loved and the woman I was sworn to protect- it would be an honorable death.

But how? How did this even happen? How could Tasha have done this? We had been friends for so long, and had only grown closer after Ivan's death. We sought comfort in the knowledge that we had both cherished Ivan's life, and together, managed to move on. She had regressed from a strong, brave, and compassionate woman to a scheming criminal with no reservations. Was it because I had rejected her offer? Was it because I had chosen Rose over her? I didn't know, but there was no going back now, no reparations that could fix the broken promises I had made.

So many promises were broken now; I had promised not to leave Rose, never to hurt her. Those words were now broken shards at my feet. But, I promised myself, that I wouldn't break this one: that regardless of whether Rose woke up or not, I would never stop loving her.

With yet another promise made, I suddenly wished that They didn't always come first. I wished to be free of the burdens I carried and free to love and be whoever I wanted. But that was never the life of a guardian. We made sacrifices for the greater good. This was what I had believed in all my life. And if I had continued on with that cold, bleak belief, then I wouldn't have found love. I wouldn't be feeling this pain. But perhaps the few golden moments I shared with Rose were worth what I felt right now. Yes, of course they were.

A sudden onslaught of images exploded in my head again, and it was all I could do to not fall to my knees at the memory of seeing Death's hand reaching for Rose as she lay lifeless on the auditorium floor. Rose had to wake up. I couldn't live without her.

I would fight a hundred Strigoi to be with her if I could, but all I could do was sit and wait. She couldn't die, she couldn't leave me like this...

It was amazing, seeing the people around me maintaining their daily lives as if nothing was wrong. Outside the window, I could still see people walking around Court, and in the distance, cars passing by.

And then I saw something that made my heart nearly stop.

I saw the sun rising. Its red glow illuminated the horizon and cast a beautiful sheen on the world... it was the light of hope. I still heard the slow but steady beeping of the heart monitor, a sound that I had been holding onto tightly.

A collective sigh of relief and joy seemed to echo through the three of us in the room.

Rose had survived the night. She would be all right. She would recover.

We could be together.

Stinging but sweet tears welled up in my eyes and spilled out onto my cheeks, and I wept pure joy. My Roza... we could be together again.

When she woke up, the surreal feeling of these past hours would dissipate and everything would be all right. It was highly likely that Rose would be ruled innocent, and although I knew it would be painful for all of us to see Tasha convicted, it was the only way to ensure the safety of the Moroi and dhampir people.

But most of all, I finally had some sense of which direction my ladder was going. It was leading up, and Roza would climb with me every step of the way.

**You may have noticed that all the lyrics to "Ladder Song" are now gone. This is due to a policy that I was not aware of at the time of publishing, which states that any copyrighted song lyrics that the writer does not own cannot be used in a story. I'd like to thank the reviewer that pointed this out to me, as I really wouldn't like to face account removal.**

**The song can be easily found on YouTube. Just make sure you listen to Lorde's version of the song, not Bright Eyes's, since the lyrics are a bit different (Listening to the song while reading the story is suggested).**


	2. I'll Come Back to You

**Chapter Two: Again, a DPOV; I don't know why. I originally planned to write a songfic for an entirely different song in RPOV, but it just wouldn't come together. I think I'm just better at sad DPOVs. Maybe I can try again with RPOV in the future... but anyway, here is this oneshot/songfic instead! It occurs after the church scene when Dimitri tells Rose that his love has faded. He is starting to regret his words. Written to "Someone New" by BANKS.**

**Disclaimer: The Vampire Academy series belongs to Richelle Mead and not me. Someone New is BANKS'.**

As I watched Rose's receding figure disappear out of the church's double doors, I was suddenly filled with regret over what I said to her.

How could I have told such a blatant lie? _Love fades, mine has. _I had never loved anyone else as much as I loved her, even now. But perhaps it was a necessary lie. My love for Roza had been strong, but even stronger was the crushing grief and guilt I had felt. It had enveloped me and weighed me down like a black cloud, making me unable to feel anything but all-consuming pain.

Now, though, I could feel the black cloud lessening, becoming less suffocating. The slight alleviation of the agony of remembering the crimes I had committed made me realize a few things. I realized that I was indebted to her, and not just the princess, for helping to save me. I realized that maybe I could one day leave this pain behind. And most important of all, I realized that I still loved Rose. But we would never be together again... I would never be able to run my fingers through her silken dark hair and kiss her smooth skin and tell her exactly how I felt. Because she was with Adrian and I'd hurt her beyond forgiveness.

This was good for her, I repeated over and over in my mind. She needed to move on and get away from the man who had nearly killed her; she didn't deserve a someone with a tainted soul. I was doing this for her, not just for me. I knew she must hate me now for being so cruel to her; she would probably say I'd fucked up any chance of reconciling with her. Soon she would realize she was happier without me.

I didn't even believe what I was saying myself. The way she had looked at me that first time in the Court prisons, dark eyes flashing with awe and renewed power, the current that had flown through us when our gazes met, I sensed an unbreakable connection between our two souls. A sense of love and mutual understanding. I was willing to bet a whole lot that there was nothing like that between her and Adrian.

Then why did it hurt so much every time I saw her? Why did the images of leaning in to bite her scarred, bruised neck plague me every time she lifted her head and tossed her hair defiantly? Why did everything I did, I saw, remind me of her? Hell, even staring at my hands, as I was doing now, reminded me of how small her own hands looked when they were cradled in mine as I cleaned and bandaged them.

_Time heals all wounds_, the old proverb had said. It had always sounded like a ton of bull to me, especially after Ivan had died, but now I hoped- I hoped to dear God that it was true. That maybe after some time, Roza would make me feel stronger instead of broken beyond repair. One day... one day...

I would try to heal. I would do my best to leave the past behind and make a new life. Hold on, wait for me, Roza.

"Believe in me, Roza. Don't fall in love with someone new," I whispered, so softly that I could barely hear myself. "Don't give up hope. When I am a better, more admirable man, I will come back to you. I'm not ready for you now, but someday, I swear, I will tell you that I never stopped loving you."

**So there we are, guys. I know it's shorter than Ladder Song, but Someone New as a song is more repetitive in meaning. Make sure to review! Tell me if you loved it, think it could improve, or just wanna talk about the scene. I love you guys for supporting my story, as I'm relatively new to this site and want to know how I am doing. Also, since removing Ladder Song's lyrics, I edited it to make it less choppy. I think the new version is much better... Take a look!**

**On another note, how many of you want me to start a drabble series? It's something I've wanted to do for a while.**

**BTW I'm not saying I will necessarily tell you, but I am curious: how old do you think I am? I've been described as mature for my age and I want to see how I appear through writing.**


End file.
